The Need to Justify Me

Yes, this is going a little deep.

A few weeks ago when I was running the Hot Chocolate 15k, I spent half the race wishing I had worn something that indicated "Hey, I'm slow because I just had a baby!" It got me thinking...why do I feel the need to justify my slowness?

I'm the biggest cheerleader when it comes to people starting their fitness, weight loss, or running journeys. I love new clients in my business. I love January, when my classes at the gym are packed with bright-eyed participants ready to take on their resolutions. Somehow, though, when it comes to me, I don't allow myself to be cheered on when I'm not at my best.

I mean, really, what does THAT even mean? It's not like I've always beat me previous time when running a race. In fact, I held onto my half marathon and marathon PRs for YEARS before I was able to beat them. It's not like I never gain and lose, gain and lose, and gain and lose weight again. Fitness and running, like everything else, is a journey, not a one-way street.

Me...trying...sort of...

My confidence has been in the toilet since having Robby. Why? In some ways I feel like I'm letting everyone down. People who thought I'd just bounce right back after giving birth. All those moms who preached about breastfeeding and how that would just melt the weight off. Clients, readers, everyone. I know I'm putting this pressure on myself, but I can't help but feel like I somehow failed at leading by example.

This is the part of the blog where I'm supposed to promise to change or something, right? Well, I'm just not there yet. I'm trying. A little. But not really that much. I try to workout, but I'm exhausted. I try to eat right, but cookies are so good. I try to stay motivated, but sometimes it's easier not to be.

So when you see me and my loose belly is flopping around while I attempt to run, please just be kind. I don't know the right words, but just know that I realize that my pants are too tight, my back is flabby over the top of my bra, and I have a long way to go. I could lie and say that today I'm going to change, but let's just see how tomorrow goes. Maybe if it goes okay, then I can work on the next day. Until then, I'm going to avoid mirrors and scales.