Why Getting Back is Harder than Getting There

It's been a little over 8 weeks since my knee surgery.  I was on cloud 9 when I finished the Disneyland Half Marathon 2 weeks ago, but then a cold limited my workouts for a week and I'm still slowly coming back.  This past Sunday I went for my long run.  It was hard.  Really hard.  Again.  I cried.  Okay, I cried twice.  But it wasn't tears of pain, instead to was tears of mourning the loss of what was. 

2:04 Half Marathon

I know that health, fitness, and running are not one-way streets.  We all have times where we soar, and we have other times where we falter.  I know that for sure: my first half marathon in 2010 was my PR for over 3 years!  I chased and chased that time, but could never beat it.  I finally did in 2013 and that was the start of one of the healthiest times of my life.

That's a PR smile!

I PR-ed my half, I trained my butt off for the 2014 Dopey Challenge, and I ended up PR-ing my marathon during that 4-day challenge.  Oh...and not just a PR...crushed my previous marathon PR by 25 minutes!  I maintained a good base through the spring, and then I fell on May 18th...you all know this story by now.  So now here I am, 20 pounds heavier (well, probably about 16 since I started my DietBet), and giving up on the goal to break 2:00 in a half marathon this year.  No, I'm not giving up completely, but just putting things on hold.

Back to Sunday and my tear-filled run.  I was barely keeping a 14 min/mile pace, and that seemed impossible.  Going faster seemed impossible.  Sub-2 hours seemed impossible.  All I could think about was where I was headed and how quickly that all slipped away.  I got to thinking about how defeated I felt trying to get back to where I was.  Even though it took me 3 years, I never felt so defeated aiming for that half PR.  I was disappointed during some races, that's for sure, but I was never so down on myself.  I felt like I was chasing something, but I was at least taking some steps to get there.  I never felt like my body was letting me down.  There were times I could have trained more.  There were regrets about race day choices.  I never cried, though.  Now, trying to get back, I cry.  Somehow, getting back is harder than getting there. 

The site of the fall.  And I get to pass it almost daily :(

I'm sure there are plenty of people who disagree.  I know there are plenty of people who'd like to tell me to put on my big girl panties and suck it up.  Today, though, it's hard, and I'm going to whine just a little more...